Abstract Paintings for Blockheads

You're a guy and, as is so often the case, your girlfriend has an appreciation for the arts, but, of course, you don't. When you see her eyes light up at a poster announcing an exhibit of abstract paintings at your city museum and she eagerly rushes over to it to get the date of the exhibit, then turns to you with that irresistible smile and says, We've got to see this, then you know you're in trouble. Forget about excusing yourself because the big game is on that day. Museums display these exhibits for days, if not weeks. Then, too, you don't want her to think you're a simple brute. You've heard somewhere that the ladies like a sensitive man, a man with depth. Look at it as an opportunity to show her your more genteel side.

Okay, so you don't have a gentle side. Let's scratch that one out for now. After all, following her as she goes from one abstract painting to another, your talking about the fishing up the river or the comparative superiority of your car over all the others is just inappropriate. You'll want to look like you know what you're doing and if you say something, say something relevant.

Here's what you first must do. Look. That's right. Look at the painting. Let it reveal itself to you. Let it move you. You know. Let it make you feel something inside. Art is fundamentally the expression of emotion about some topic. It's a bit like looking at the foldout in your favorite men's magazine. You look, you feel, and you either smile or frown. It's the same thing when appreciating a painting, and don't be surprised if many of those paintings have images similar to ones your foldout displays. See, appreciating art can be fun. True, you wont quite get the same thing from abstract paintings as you do from the ones that more realistically represent the images you see in the world, but then you also might feel something even more sublime.

Basically, most conventional paintings look like something real, a real landscape, or a real person, whereas abstract art may look like nothing you've ever seen and probably never will, or, at best, something that barely resembles real images. The former is said to represent the subject, say a sunset or a football field. The camera has aced out painters when it comes to capturing a realistic picture of something. The more realistic looking the picture, the safer you are in saying, Despite what others may think, I appreciate a good piece of realism like this. There, you've made an aesthetic judgment. You already sound like a man with breeding and class.

When considering realistic paintings, note the accuracy of the perspective shown. Most ancient paintings do not represent perspective, where the objects furthest away are smaller and those closest are larger. These paintings almost represent the subject accurately, but without perspective, they look flat, almost, well, abstract, like the abstract paintings you and your girl are viewing.

Note the light in the picture. Do the images seem to be illuminated by some light source, such as the sun, or is the light source not visible but seems to surround the objects in the picture? If the source is obvious, then shadows of figures in the pictures should appear natural. If not, you've got something to criticize. Of course, if the light source is not obvious, you can comment on how well or poorly the artist has used light to emphasize or express an emotion.

Note the lines as well. Some figures may have a heavy outline while others seem more natural. Some lines are delicate and others are heavy, almost approaching an outline. Remark that you like the way the artist has used line to emphasize. It sounds like you know what you're talking about.

Of course, there's always color, rich, pale and pastels. If you like the use of color, if you see the artist has used it to express a mood, let her know. Color, by itself, has an emotional expression all its own. Take the color red for instance. Danger, passion, blood. Consider blue, conveying a cool and restful mood.

Now, abstract paintings are all about line, color and form. These may just barely convey a real image, or may be a splatter of colors and nothing else. How can a line express? Consider the exclamation mark, the !. There's something emphatic about that mark. Consider the question mark, the ?. You can almost feel the wonder in it. You might see two lines on a white canvas and the title of the painting might be 'Birds in Flight. Sure, you can feel the flight of those birds. That's what abstract paintings do. They make you feel something, despite the fact that they look like nothing you've ever seen in real life.

The more geometrically oriented abstract paintings express the beauty and coolness of order, shape and form, while those lacking much form express the more powerful emotions of anger, passion and chaos. Some have lines with a flow that appeals to the human eye. With abstract paintings, there's always something you can comment on.

Abstract art was a rebellion against realism. Artists decided that art could not compete with a camera and that the function of art was not really to take a snapshot of something. Art was all about expressing emotions. That's why you'll sometimes see a painting splattered with paint going for a cool million or more.

Form, color and line: these are things you'll want to notice and remark upon in abstract paintings. See how they affect you when you're looking at them and tell her what you feel. Feeling, emotion, that's what it's all about. After all, you're a sensitive guy with breeding and class! You're sure to impress her, and once it's all done, you can sit back with a beer and forget the whole thing, but you can be sure she'll remember it for years to come. Maybe you will too.