Understanding and dealing with defiant behavior in children

When your child is just a babe in arms, your baby is so happy to be held and tickled and loved. Babies enjoy this infant stage. If they do realize they're helpless, they don't mind a bit, because you take care of everything that needs doing! The infant stage is mesmerizing to both Mom and Baby you just can't get enough of looking at one another an enchanting period of life.

As a baby begins to develop motor skills, reaching, grasping, picking things up and kicking, behavior also begins to change, as this cute little bundle of joy starts to realize there's a smidgen of control to be had over the world out yonder. This behavior is natural and as time progresses, you start to see defiant behavior coming to the forefront.

For example, you present a bottle of juice. Baby uses his arm to push it away, sometimes quite vehemently. It may not even be that he doesn't want the juice, it's just an exercise in independence. Defiant behavior is the expression of newly found independence. Should you surmise that he's not interested and set the juice aside, don't be surprised if Baby starts wailing, tears streaming while reaching for the juice.

Defiant behavior is not limited to babies and toddlers. This behavior usually appears at two stages of child development, the 'terrible twos' and early to mid teens. Defiant behavior is characterized as insubordinate, disobedient, intractable, difficult, non-compliant and resistant. Every parent has seen some variant of any of these behaviors, commonly called defiant. Why does almost every kid go through these two stages at a particular age grouping?

The toddler, once completely helpless in the crib, playpen and car seat, now has reached a stage of mobility, with some control over his motor skills. He's ready to try out this new independence. While this same toddler loves being cuddled and kissed, he's ready to branch out and take a hike across the floor, lickety split. It's truly amazing how fast a baby can crawl across the floor, laughing all the while as you chase after him. Come meal time, you get Baby in the high chair, with a dish of tempting applesauce. Unless he absolutely loves applesauce, or is truly hungry, he may accept the spoon of fruit and then promptly spit it out. It's easy to laugh off these kinds of shenanigans all babies do this.

Once a child reaches the age of 5 or 6, this round of defiant behavior usually fades into memory. They're typically sweet as pie, until they hit 11 or 12.

Many parents aren't prepared for the re-emergence of a new brand of defiant behavior in their sweet little pre-teens. Here, the genesis is much the same. Now your Baby has lived long enough to have gathered tons of information on life and living. They begin to think they know everything you have to teach them. They are ready to spread their wings and fly off into adult behaviors and activities. They begin to feel that they're well qualified to argue any and every point with you. 'Smart remarks' attend this second phase of defiant behavior.

What you need to understand is that this is a normal reaction of a child trying to express what they've learned. The child is actually trying to tell you that you did such a good job, they've got all the answers. You know they don't. The best you can do at this stage is to grin and bear it, defusing the present situation with a smile. Remember, at this point, they're looking for a fight. Let the child know that communication is necessary for two people to arrive at a reasonable solution. Defiant behavior only puts the adversaries at odds. Stress resolution and minimize conflict. This, too, shall pass.